There is not one moment that I wish I could do nothing but
Lie on the floor,
Lie on my back,
Reminiscing and thinking.
I'm a nostalgic wreck.
The thoughts of Wednesday afternoons in the park with my dad, driving around town with my mom, long nights of high discovery with my first love, shouting at my brother to turn his music down, they all fight my sick memory.
I want to remember all the old times, but their distance keeps me too close to tears.
Why can't I be in that purple dress, running around, sitting on my dad's shoulders again?
Why must I yell at mother with full resentment?
Why am I so alone without him?
Why is my brother not here to frustrate me daily?
One reminder of any of these things makes me
Loathe myself.
I cannot be who I want to. Why? Why, why?
I'll wait until I find the answer, but
I don't think I ever will.
Now here I am, I'm 87 years old, lying sick on my deathbed, similar to the position that I once lied in on my floor. I'm thinking of the same things, wondering why.
But this time, I'll feel guilty and filled with regret, because
'Why' is what held me back.
4.30.2009
4.16.2009
4.12.2009
You've Got A Look In Your Eyes, When You're Saying Goodbye, Like You Wanna Say 'Hi'
I can't help it 'til
You start.
You had me hanging myself by my neck,
Missing you,
Waiting on you.
Yeah, I'm fucking done now.
Yeah, you fucking want me now.
I'm not gonna hang my neck;
I'm gonna hold my head high.
I'm gonna get high.
I'm gonna watch you watch me;
Make me lie.
I'd lie with you another night if you would
Make yourself touchable.
I can feel your skin now.
I can feel my fingers running through your hair, as I
Kiss you softly.
But you always wanted more from me in ways that
I wanted less.
I wanted your soul to be with mine.
Now its the other way around,
And I dont regret it.
Dont make me regret it.
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